


The Reason

by Hey_its_me



Category: Phan
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder, Multi, Phan - Freeform, Thunderstorms, lgbtq+
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2018-12-20 13:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_its_me/pseuds/Hey_its_me
Summary: Trigger Warning! This story includes depression, eating disorders, and  self harm. If any of this upsets you, I suggest not reading my story. Your safety is more important than a stupid fanfic. Thanks for reading!This Chapter Includes:Phil- Depressed, Eating disorderDan- Depressed; trying to help PhilThe rest is up to you to read about :)





	1. Admitting the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy, this is my first one so don't judge me too much. I hope you all enjoy this series. I will try to post a chapter once a weekend. If you have any pointers, please comment :) 
> 
> -Hey_its_me :P

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning! This story includes depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If any of this upsets you, I suggest not reading my story. Your safety is more important than a stupid fanfic. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> This chapter includes: 
> 
> Baby Phil's fear, the poor child I'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm 
> 
> Sorry

Phil could only think about how much he wanted to help Dan, he was in so much pain. They had finally finished their pastel video, Phil's favorite one of all. Phil hated how cute Dan looked in the pastel video they did together. This was what Phil would do at night when he couldn't sleep, which was pretty much every night. He had bought some makeup to cover up his bags, just some concealer of corse though, nothing special. It was 3 o'clock in the morning and Phil wasn't the slightest bit tired. Phil's body was exhausted, just not his brain. He could hear Dan up, but didn't have the courage to go talk to him. Phil tried to think of him telling Dan everything. He wanted to tell him about his depression, him not wanting to eat, his feelings, everything, "Screw this" Phil thought to himself as he skipped. over to Dans room. 

"Hey." Phil said, seeing as he startled Dan.  
"Oh hey Phil." He said, acting like he wasn't scared by the adorable Phil. Phil couldn't help but notice that Dan was staring at him, leading Phil to stare at Dan. This went on for about 5 minutes before the two nervously looked down.  
"S-So. What did you need Phil?" Dan asked, nervously. Phil recognized the nervous tension in him, and tried to fix it.  
"O-Oh I just came to..." Phil couldn't just tell him that he was there to confess his undying love. Yeah, that wouldn't work. He rapped his foot anxiously until he came up with a response.  
"...to see if you have been taking care of your plant!" His felt heat radiating from his face. Phil couldn't even explain how embarrassed he felt at this moment. 'What the hell does that mean?' Phil just went along with it because it was too late to turn back. "Yeah, just came here to check on old planty..." Phil felt overly embarrassed as he saw the look of confusion on Dan's face. "looks good." He said as he touched the plant. Phil quickly scrambled out of the room, and away from Dan, he couldn't even imagine the look on Dans face. 

About one hour later, a thunderstorm came in, a bad one too. Phil was absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. Phil was hiding under his blanket as the storm thrashed against their house. He could feel the air draining from his lungs, and his numb limbs beginning to shake. Phil's eyes were flooded with tears, along with his face covered in them. He then heard the door open. He was too scarred to move so he didn't bother looking who it was.  
"Phil?" A familiar voice. It was Dan. Phil couldn't even manage to greet him, or even look at him. All anybody heard was a shaking, crying Phil. As Phil was crying, he felt a pair of headphones go over his ears. He then heard his favorite YouTubers voice with a tablet right in front of his eyes. He then felt a warm embrace around him. Phil had calmed down enough by then to look over and see Dan hugging him, making him feel better somehow. They were like this for hours until the storm was over, Phil looked up to Dan and whispered in his ear.  
"Thank you." He said with a smile.  
"You don't have to thank me, it's my job." Dan said back, with an even bigger smile. 

 

Later, Phil decided to make breakfast. Silence struck the two throughout the breakfast, until Phil finally said something.  
"I really appreciate it, what you did." Phil said, quietly. Dan looked up from his breakfast and gave Phil a nice and warm smile. He then continued to eat his breakfast. Phil couldn't help but feel betrayed. His heart was beating. 'Just tell him.' He thought. "Hey, um Dan?" He saw Dan look up from his cereal directly into Phil's eyes. It felt like they were staring into Phil's soul. "I just wanted to tell you that...I..." It was too late to turn back now. "I LOVE YOU!" Phil couldn't help but feel the embarrassment. Just then, Dan got up from his seat, put his bowl away and went into the other room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this was kinda intense, but okay. I hope you enjoyed! Comment if you have any things I should try to improve on. 
> 
> Tank Chu and goodbye


	2. Why Eat Food Anyways?

PHIL'S POV: 

 

Who is he anyways? He was someone who didn't like his own life, but chose to live through it with a smile. Phil had noticed his staring, but couldn't look away. "I'm sorry." He wanted to say. "I want you to be happy, and I'm sorry it's like this." Soon, Phil started hearing his name being called and realized they were still making a video. He quickly went back to his normal self, except he couldnt do that anymore, not unless he did something about his feelings and Dans happiness. 

 

Later, Dan and Phil went and watched some TV together. Phil had started feeling a certain way about Dan, it was weird, he had never felt this way before. He could see the pain and treachery in his eyes. That's all he saw. Phil then realized that it was probably time for dinner.  
"You okay with some tea and spaghetti tonight?" Phil said, swallowing hard.  
"Yeah, want some help?" Dan said, in his lively yet deep voice. Phil could feel his heart starting to beat faster.  
"N-No that's fine. I got this." He seemingly stammered. Dan shrugged his shoulders and continued to watch TV. 

 

DANS POV: 

Dan looked at Phil as he watched TV. He never realized how strong Phil was. He had never seen anyone like it. Dan knew Phil was depressed, hearing Phil at night yelling at himself saying he, "wasn't good enough and that this fake smile couldn't go on that much longer." He wanted Phil to be happy, it pained him to see him trying so hard to be happy. He had noticed Phil wasn't eating a lot either. He would make so much food, then he wouldn't eat it. Dan was worried for his small friend. Friend. He thought. What about more? Dan quickly got his wandering mind out of that area and focused on the TV. 

 

Later, Phil had asked him if he wanted some food, but then Phil turned his down for his help. Please just let me help you. He thought to himself. He had noticed Phil had be shaking, which led Dan to assume that he hadn't been eating again. He could still see Phil smiling and making food, whilst humming to himself all at the same time. 

How do you do it? Be so strong. Dan thought to himself as he looked at Phil across the room.


	3. A Bright Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning! This story includes depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If any of this upsets you, I suggest not reading my story. Your safety is more important than a stupid fanfic. Thanks for reading!
> 
> This chapter includes: Self harm, so huge trigger warning. Also, it's a heavy chapter. 
> 
> Really sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty heavy so beware the feelings!

'Oh god, not now.' He thought to himself. Phil just admitted his love for him and he just left him alone. A depressed, small boy, left alone after he just did the probably biggest thing of his entire life. Dan was going to be sick. He could feel his anxiety levels rise. He was trembling and short of breath. 'No, stop it! Phil's probably having a worse panic attack then me right now!" He thought. He decided to go back out there after a few minutes. He walked into the room, arms still numb and him still trembling. "Oh no.' He knew exactly what was happening. He heard cries of pain coming from the bathroom. "Phil?!" Dan said, worryingly.   
"You're so stupid! You really thought he was going say it back? Ugh! I can't even look at how disgusting you are! You even put on more weight! Geez, why do you have to be so horrible!" Phil was screaming at himself in the mirror. He saw the marks on Phil's arms, and a pair of scissors in his hands. The scissors weren't sharp enough to cut too deep, so it wasn't bleeding a lot. Dan approached Phil slowly, and grabbed the scissors from his hands, and put it on another counter far away from Phil. Phil dropped to the floor, sobbing and in pain. Dan grabbed a washcloth and bandages and treated his gash's. When he was done, he looked at Phil and wrapped him in a hug as he sobbed into Dans shirt. Dan could feel the tears falling down his cheek, stinging his face. "I love you so much..." He whispered into his ear. He could hear Phil's tears subside and he fell asleep in Dan from exhaustion. Dan took the small boy and put him in his bed as he slept next to him, cradling him all night. 

Dan got a total of probably about two hours of sleep. He woke up to Phil gone. A sense of panic screamed in Dan. He got up and searched for Phil, only to see him cooking whilst humming. He actually looked happy. Phil acted like last night never even happened. "Phil...?" dan cautiously said. Phil looked up from his cooking.   
"Hm?" He said, smiling. Dan had a look of confusion on his face. Phil looked back down at his dish. "Foods ready! I made your favorite, black eggs!" Dan giggled a little at that. They both sat down and ate together. He looked up from his food to see Phil eating. 'Somethings wrong.' He thought.   
"Uh Phil?" Dan said.   
"Yes?" Phil said, his eyes full of hope.   
"Can we at least talk about last night?" Dan said, on the break of tears. Phil's silence was torture. Dan swallowed hard. He could hear silent tears come from Phil.   
"How I was so weak I couldn't even handle the thought of rejection?" Phil said, practically sobbing now. Dan got up from his seat immediately.   
"No!" He said, startling Phil. He walked over to Phil. "You are the most amazing, kindhearted, and gentle person I know. You don't deserve all of this. I've seen you destroy yourself over the past year and I'm tired of not saying anything." Dan was on the verge of tears now. "Because Phil, I love you so much! Everyone does! I've never loved anyone so much! I don't know how you couldn't love yourself! You're the best person to be around. I'm a downer and I'm dark. You're the only kind of light I've had in my life, and it's literally the best thing I could ask for. You will never know how much I truly love you!" Dan could feel the tears flooding his eyes and emotion taking over him. He did the only thing he could think of and kissed him. 

It was the best decision he had ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> ily!


	4. Do you realize how much you've worried me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning! This story includes depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If any of this upsets you, I suggest not reading my story. Your safety is more important than a stupid fanfic. Thanks for reading!
> 
> This chapter includes: 
> 
> Cuddling of Dan and Phil 
> 
> And 
> 
> A worried Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated, I've been busy.

Phil's eyes grew wide and his arms ached from the night before. Phil slowly closed his eyes and cradled his hurting arms around Dans face. For once, Phil felt happiness. Dan gave him happiness. Dan pulled away, but then kissed Phil again over and over. Phil loved him so much. When Dan and Phil were done, Dan picked Phil up and sat him down on the couch. 

'Damn, you're a good kisser.' Phil thought to himself. Dan and Phil then continued to snuggle on the couch, watching TV. 

Later, Dan left the room to go do some work leaving Phil alone. Phil couldn't help but smile. He tried so hard to stop smiling, but he just couldn't. He couldn't believe he got to feel the soft angel lips Phil had always dreamed to kiss. All Phil was thinking about was kissing Dan again. It had been so long, that Dan walked in and asked Phil if he wanted some lunch. Phil nodded and jumped up to hug him.   
"You're amazing." He said to Dan. Dan looked at Phil's eyes and smiled, kissing him on the forehead. Phil went and plopped back down on the couch. "Want to watch a movie tonight?" Phil said, his eyes full of hope.   
"Sure." Dan said, continuing making their lunch. Every time the dark thoughts that happened all the time would creep into Phil's mind, they were clouded by the touch of Dans lips. 

Some time later after Dan and Phil ate and got some work done, they went to watch the movie. "What movie are we watching?" Dan said, carrying a bowl of popcorn.   
"You'll see." Phil said, darting his eyes at Dan. The movie began and Phil looked over to see Dans eyes get wide. They were watching his favorite romance movie, "Safe Haven." Dan looked over to Phil, biting his lip. 'You're so adorable.' Phil thought to himself. Him and Dan then continued to snuggle on the couch throughout the movie. 

After the movie, Phil and Dan went to go to bed. Dans eyes were puffy from crying from the movie. Phil climbed into his bed, but feeling a emotion of sadness, the thoughts rushed back to his head. Phil tried to push them away again, but as the other tries, it didn't work. It made things worse. Phil was starting to shake, trying to think about Dan, the kiss, anything. Nothing worked, Phil's heart pounded. He couldn't let Dan know. 'No...' He thought, climbing out of his bed. Phil had too much to eat, since he isn't used to eating anymore. 'Ugh, you're fat again...' He thought. Phil needs something to get his mind out and not to do anything bad. He ran to the front door, swinging it open, but then quietly shutting it trying not to wake the other boy. He stood outside, breathing. He closed his eyes and sat, feeling the touch of Dans lips again. His heart rate went down and he got lost in reliving the kiss. He could feel the warm embrace of Dan again. His words.   
"I truly love you..." He kept replaying the words in his head. Phil could feel the darkness drain from him. He quietly walked back inside to see Dan standing in the doorway, his eyes full of panic.   
"Where the hell have you been?" Dan said, yelling at Phil. Dan's bitter words stung.   
"I just...went to get some fresh air...that's all...." Phil could feel his own lie, so there's no doubt about Dan knowing.   
"Do you realize how much I've worried about you for the last hour?" Phil hadn't realized it, but he had wandered around for an hour, leaving Dan worried.   
"I..." Phil couldn't think of the right words to say. "I'm...sorry that I worried you. I just needed...a moment." Phil slightly bit his lip. "Well okay then. See you in the morning." That time, Dan's words sting like bee's. He could feel the pain in his words, the frustration. Phil quietly went upstairs to his room, shutting the door. He didn't sleep that night, but neither did Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
>  
> 
> Byeeee


	5. Update!!

Hey! I just wanted to let you guys know I’m returning to this story. I’m sorry it’s been forever since I updated. I got super busy and forgot about it completely. At the moment though, I am working on chapter 5 (even though this says chapter 5??). I will get it out as soon as I can, and thank you guys for being so patient. I’m really sorry again guys!

-Hey_its_me


	6. Apologies Accepted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning! This story includes depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If any of this upsets you, I suggest not reading my story. Your safety is more important than a stupid fanfic. Thanks for reading!
> 
> This chapter includes: 
> 
> Dan and Phil apologizing to each other and an unexpected visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! I’m so sorry its been so long since I’ve posted! Since it’s summer now, though, I’ll be able to post now! Thanks for sticking around!

Dan laid, looking at the ceiling as he heard the door of the house open. His heart started to pound. The second he heard it close, he ran into Phil’s room, panting. He quickly realized that Phil was gone.   
“Phil?!” He screamed, his panting getting harder. He rushed to the window to see Phil walking away.   
After awhile, he heard the door open again. Dan was sitting at the steps with disappointment taking form in his facial features. He said words as bitter as possible, he was so hurt. He could see Phil’s eyes start to be clouded by sadness. He turned away to stop himself from crying.   
He ran to his room, letting the tears run down his face. He locked the door.   
‘What have I done?’ He thought to himself. For the rest of the night, Dan laid on the bathroom floor, feeling like a terrible human being. He could hear Phil’s soft cries throughout the night.   
In the morning, both boys didn’t go out of there rooms the entire day, until Dan left in the afternoon. Dan ran to the door, grabbing his keys, and leaving straight away.  
Dan drove for hours, crying as he did, trying to forget. All he thought about was Phil. His face when he had said that hurtful, bitter, ‘goodnight.’ When it was dark, Dan decided to go back. He got into the house, hearing sobs from down the hall.   
“Phil?” He said, cautiously. The sobs got louder as he got closer. Dan turned the corner to Phil’s room.   
“I’m...I’m so sorry” Phil cried. He sat on his floor, sobbing. Dan quickly reacted and hugged Phil saying,   
“I’m sorry, too.” They sat there for quite a few minutes when they both got up and looked into each other’s eyes. Dan looked into Phil’s red eyes and uttered one word, “Movie?” Phil smiled and quickly said,   
“Of course, you dork.”   
Dan quickly ran downstairs and grabbed a DVD from the shelf. He put the movie in and sat down on the couch, anxiously waiting for Phil. When he saw Phil come down the stairs he couldn’t help but smile. Phil plopped on the couch next to Dan. They both laughed as the movie went on.   
Later that night, after Phil had fallen asleep, Dan sat there quietly thinking when he heard the doorbell. He checked the time.   
“It’s 10:45 at night! Who could be here?” He quickly shuffled through the darkness until he reached the door. He opened it. There stood a figure that he never thought he’d see for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Im sorry it was a little short but I really wanted to post again! I’m going to try to get another chapter our this week if I can. If I can’t, then there should be one next week!


	7. Second update!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> H

Hey! It’s been sooooo long since I’ve updated the story and I’m soooo sorry! I’m working on a decently long chapter right now, but I just wanted to let you know!! I love you guys so much and thank you so much if you stayed with me :) 

-H

**Author's Note:**

> Okayy, that was the first chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. I think I will try to keep this about maybe 20-25 chapters? I don't know. Honestly, it depends on the feedback and how the story is going. 
> 
> -Hey_its_me :D


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